When I made the decision to sell my back last fall… it took me some time to realize the reasoning I gave was just a bunch of excuses.  Sure, they were logical and made sense, but they weren’t me being honest with myself.

That being said, let’s just cut to the chase.  Plain and simple, I lost it.  I lost my confidence.  That’s why the bike had to go.  Somewhere along the way, I started to hesitate going into every turn… I started to think of the possibilities every time I threw my leg over her seat and started her up… I started to make excuses to not ride at all.  Eventually, I just stopped.  All in all, I had not ridden my bike in 3 months by time she was hauled away.  Though I would never admit to it.

Deep down, my mind and my heart fought with one another.  I love the freedom of riding… the solitude.   But, my mind was constantly playing the consequences of every action.  So much so that I was nervous over every mile I road.

I want it back.  My confidence that is.  I’m not so sure I’ll ever ride again.

In memory of my Nana, who passed away in 1989, I finally found and elaborated on the perfect design to always remind me of her.  Gardenias were her favorite flower.  And to this day, the tiniest hint of the sweet gardenia scent instantly sends me back to my childhood and the bond she and I shared.

I thought it fitting that I had this done on Mother’s Day weekend.  Eventually, I will have my sunflower redone and my sister’s favorite flower, dahlia, entwined with mine.  Above that will sit a dragonfly… as my mom can never choose a favorite flower.  Yet, it didn’t seem to be enough to add the gardenia to that plan.  I felt as though she deserved her own piece of skin… and that’s exactly what I gave her.  I have to say, to me, it is so beyond beautiful that I nearly burst into tears when the artist was finished.  I could not have asked for this piece to come out any better.  It sits just below my very first tattoo… and one day, the two separate pieces will be linked together.  See… my panther tattoo … while it truly is a piece off the wall… also represents my personality.  Panthers are observers.  They prefer to remain in the shadows.  When I was around two years old, my Nana told my mom that I was an observer… that it was a trait to be used for good or evil… that she knew it would be the good in me.  She discovered that bit of me before anyone else knew it was there; and for that, the two pieces will come together eventually.  (Hopefully soon.)

While I was only 12 when she succumbed to breast cancer, I have kept my memories of her so vivid in every detail.  It’s because of those strong memories that I still miss her so dearly…

About 5 weeks ago, I made the decision to lose the weight I’ve put on over the last few years.  Funny how it just creeps up on you and attaches itself to undesirable areas.  So, I joined Weight Watchers (which worked wonders for my sister after the birth of her so and I’m happy to say I’m nearly 20 lbs lighter than I was when I started!!  It feels good to see such great results and to be on the path into my old clothes again.  Unfortunately, I had to discontinue my gym membership due to time constraints, however, the pups are getting walked more now than ever before.  So now… I have a new job career, new friends, a new life, and working on a new (old) body!!

And 3 weeks ago, I received a 10% raise after only a few months with the company!!

I’ve also decided that after years of NOT celebrating my birthday, I’m going to do just that this year.  CELEBRATE!  I think it’s well-deserved at this point.  (Now, if only my birthday didn’t fall on a weeknight this year.)

Even more things to look forward to:

• My parents coming to visit (first time in 6 years they’ve been able to come out together).
• Seeing my nephew and sister over Labor Day weekend for a family weekend in Arizona.
• Getting totally, financially back on my feet again.
• My next trip to Cuba (date TBD).

I’d say my friends were right… this is MY year… finally.